Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

OK Jexican mentioned a thread I started on another forum years ago. It did very well and was very simple ... post any jokes or anything that make you laugh or smile :dirol:

Most of all have fun ... I will start off :good:

Actions and Consequences

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table
expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You
don't get any breakfast until you do your chores." A
little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores.
When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes
to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to
feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a
bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?"
asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you
kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick
a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick
a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes
down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks
up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him,
or should I?"

[Mac Daddy]

Baby Exit

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother.

"That babies come out of the same place where boys put
their penises?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the
subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have
to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager,
"won't it knock my teeth out?"

[Mac Daddy]

The Wall

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a
long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall
and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how
long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray
for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in
safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

[Mac Daddy]

Two Nuns and a Vampire

Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all
the warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after
dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire
flies out of the night and lands on their windshield,
hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs.

"Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries the first nun.

"Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break
his grip," answers the second nun.

No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws
at the windshield.

"Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting
even more scared.

"Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off,"
says the second nun.

No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and
it's starting to crack.

"NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries the first nun.

The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires.
She has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!"
she yells, triumphantly.

The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells,
"Get off the fucking car, you asshole!!"

[Mac Daddy]

The Church

There were three couples that went to a church and asked to join. There was a newly wed couple, a middle-aged couple, and a older couple. The pastor told them that they had to go without sex for two weeks. Two weeks later they came back to that same church. The pastor asked the newly wed couple how it went. They replied "It was hard the first week, but then we made it through." He asked the older couple, and they replied "we did not have sex at all for the two weeks." He asked the middle-aged couple and the man said "She dropped a paint can!".
The pastor said "She dropped a paint can?.
The man replied, "She bent over with a paint can in her hand and I just had to get her right then and there!".
The pastor said, "I'm sorry you cannot step foot into this church again!" The man said, "That's okay, we can't go into Home Depot either!!"

[Mac Daddy]

Diagnosis - Pregnant

A young lady had just visited her doctor, and he informed
her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married
for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she
sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had
to share her good news with someone. The gentleman sitting
next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good
news with.

"Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you
could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone,
or I'll bust."

She told him the news that the doctor had told her about
being pregnant. The man shared her enthusiasm as he
shared his experience. He said he was a farmer, and
he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated
that he went out to the hen house one morning and all
of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy, he added,
"But confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially,
........me, too."

[eXtortion]

:rofl: :grin: :good: :rofl: :grin: :good: :rofl: :grin: :good:

The Wall

I liked this one cause I could really understand the guy's feelings :rofl:
anyway's I can see where you're going with this...
Simple stories that make sense, getting the reader into a stable but still anticipating state... and you have nice surprising endings
:drinks:
I just wish there were more finishing lines with a polite last word :blush:

[mainman]

Ohh My GOD!!! The famous Mac Daddy joke thread!! :clapping: :clapping: :good:

[Mac Daddy]

Mainman ...... Sabe-o irmão :good:

Brave Soldier

A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?" Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12-incher!"
Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?"
"Just a little at first" said the son.