Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

First In Heaven

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this". "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?". Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down."

[Mac Daddy]

This one was trying to sneak off the front page was it

The last moments ....

Jake was on his deathbed while his wife, Becky, maintained a steady vigil by his side. As she held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to quiver with sound.

"My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep Shhh! Don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend and our next door neighbor."

Becky mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Jake, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

[Mac Daddy]

By The Balls

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees "Golf: $1. 00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00"
He hits the ceiling! Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

[Mac Daddy]

It looks like plastic

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"

[Mac Daddy]

Emotional extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

[Mac Daddy]

Geography Of Man and Women

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Hong Kong, well
developed and open to trade, especially for someone
with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently
ageing but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost
the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide
and borders are now unpatrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with
a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only
those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for
spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like America ------ ruled by a pr*ck.

[Mac Daddy]

Male assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

[Mac Daddy]

Holy Crap no people who like humour here

[mainman]

Originally Posted by Mac Daddy

Holy Crap no people who like humour here

What are you talking about? We all love your jokes!!!

[Mac Daddy]

LOL thats what I wanted to hear .. Mainman your the Shiznet