Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

Japanese Customs...

An American businessman was in Japan. One night he decided to sample the local wares, so he hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming, "Fugifoo, Fugifoo!!!" The guy had no idea what it meant, but he took it as great encouragement and kept at it.

The next day he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a beautiful 340-yard shot and just 50 yards from the pin. On his second shot he sunk it for an Eagle. Wanting to impress the clients, he shouted, "Fugifoo!"

The Japanese clients looked quite confused. "What are you talking about?" one asked. "That is the right hole!"

[Mac Daddy]

Fortune Cookies.....

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Panties not best thing on earth! They next to best thing on earth.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who wars with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Virginity like bubble: one prick, gone forever.

[tomslick]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

My husband said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[tomslick]

A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief.

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief.

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish?"

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells, "You stupid Bastard, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!"

[tomslick]

Ryan rents an apartment in New York and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Ryan smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Ryan breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I can hear someone coming."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Ryan stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag and they're 100% natural! My buns -- they are firm and do not sag and have no cellulite! Look at this skin -- no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Ryan stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming -- that was me."

[Mac Daddy]

LOL Tom .. got a pile more coming when I get time

[Cornill]

this joke is so long that even if i would read it i would forget the beginning and then it wont be funny i guess... :[

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!

I read all the 25 pages of posts today.. I'm too close to getting muscular fever in my cheeks

[tomslick]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Pttery amzanig huh?

[tomslick]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"