Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

Miracle Worker

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

[Mac Daddy]

Staying Alive

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly...
"My as**ole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

[Mac Daddy]

Cinderella's Wishes

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'

Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'

[Mac Daddy]

Dear Diary ...

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. fu**ing snow plough.

Dec. 22 - More of that white s**t fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. as**ole.

Dec. 25 - Merry fu**ing Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fu**ing ice.

Dec. 27 - More white s**t last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white s**t and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the s**t again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That fu**ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the s**t this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the s**t he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fu**ing head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fu**ing beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fu**ing salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

[tomslick]

A fisherman is at his favorite fishing pier at 4:30 am. He is pleased to see that he is the first one there. The pier is a couple hundred yards long with a light in the middle and one at the end. He figures that he will fish his way out before anyone else shows up to get in his way. He is walking out flipping his lure as he goes. He makes it to the middle of the pier with no bites. He keeps moving to the end of the pier fishing as he goes. Suddenly he hears something, it sounds like crying. He looks to the end of the pier and there appears to be someone laying there. He moves faster as the crying gets more intense. Its a woeman laying at the end of the pier and he slowly realized that she had no arms or legs. He ask if she is hurt, she replies that she not. Whats wrong then he ask. Whats Worng she exclamed just look at me I have no arms or legs. Do you know how tuff it has been for me going through life like this, and do you know that I have never even so much as had anyone that I could call my friend. Feeling bad the fisherman replies. well heck I will be your friend. Her crying stopped you will she said. Yes he replied. Well do you know that in my whole life I have never been even kissed she ask. No he said but heck I will give you a kiss and he did. Well did you know that never in my whole life have I been f***ed.
Hearing that the fisherman gently reached down and picked her up, then threw her off the end of the pier and replied there now your f***ed.

[Mac Daddy]

Good one Tom !! :clapping:

[Mac Daddy]

Golf ....

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible
about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it
was
going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was
hanging over
the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100
yards."

"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes
and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle
came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began
to
fly away!"

"And Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it
flew
near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled
onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and
said,
"You missed the fu**ing putt, didn't you?"

[tomslick]

A woeman went for her annual checkup, her regular doctor was off that day so a substitute doctor was satnding in for him. It got to the part of the exam where she need to disrobe when she did the doctor gasp and said OMG that is the biggest P***y I have ever seen. The woeman was to stunned to say anything. Later as she drove home she couldn’t get what the doctor had said off of her mind. Why that dirty sob what does he know she thought, but then he is a doctor and has seen a lot of them. OMG is it that big she thought. When she got home she got the mirror off of the closet door and placed it in the living room floor and straddled it telling herself its not that big. About that time her husband who had got off work early came through the front door. 3,4.5. she counted as she faked a few jumping jacks. What in the world are you doing he ask. Oh im doing a nude exercise to keep my self in shape and sexy for you she replied. That’s great he said but watch out for that hole in the floor if you step in you might break a leg.

[Mac Daddy]

During class

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the
students, one by one - "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to
the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you Bill, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right
back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to
say the word bathroom at the table."

"And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once
and show us your good manners?"

""I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after supper."

The teacher fainted..

[Mac Daddy]

Leaving Early

Three women all worked in the same office, with the same female boss. Each day they noticed that the boss would leave work early. One day, the women decided, that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, played with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early to surprise her husband. But when she got to the bedroom, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside. Slowly and quietly she cracked open the door, and was mortified to see her boss in bed with her husband!

Gently she closed the door, and crept out of the house.

The next day the brunette and the redhead planned on leaving early again and asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"NO WAY," the blonde exclaimed, " I ALMOST GOT CAUGHT YESTERDAY!!!"