Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

Good ones Bro and Cheers

[Mac Daddy]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg...so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
"Dear Sir, since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple!"

[Mac Daddy]

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.

Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).

[Zamoldac]

haah.. busted!

i've got a few :
- "Yo mama so fat she walk past the TV and we miss 5 shows"

- "There's a double decker bus driving down the street full of passengers, blonde and brunette.

On the lower level of the bus, the brunettes are having a good time, talking, laughing, and singing along to the music playing.

On the upper part of the bus, the blondes are seated... they're in a panic. They're screaming, terrified, and holding onto each other as the bus moves along the street.

Finally, a brunette gets up and walks to the top of the bus to ask whats wrong, and one of the blonde's replies, "what's wrong?!? well, you'd be screaming too if you didnt have a driver!!!"

- "How Do You Drown A Blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker, at the bottom of a pool!"

[Dyre Straits]

Four guys had made up a foursome for their weekly golf outing for years when one of them died. They were just a group of old 'duffers' and really wanted to continue playing golf each weekend, but needed someone to make up a new foursome.

One of the guys had overheard a fella in the clubhouse asking around and so he asked the guy if he'd be interested in joining up with them. He said he'd be glad to.

So, promptly at 9 a.m. the following Sunday, they met for their first round of golf together as the new foursome.

This new guy really stunned the rest of them by teeing off his first shot right down the fairway 260 yards, putting the ball right where it should have been. The other three had hooked and sliced -- as they usually had done and it continued this way for the full 18 holes.

When the round was completed, the new guy has shot a 1 over Par 73! The rest were lucky to hit the mid-90s. But, they were so impressed at watching this new guy, they asked him if he'd join them again the next Sunday. He didn't hesitant to agree to do so.

So, the next Sunday, promptly at 9 a.m., they were ready for their second round together. Only this time, the new guy had brought left-handed clubs. The original three kind of scratched their heads but didn't say anything.

On this round, they shot their usual mid to upper 90s and the new guy shot a 1 UNDER Par 71! Left-handed even!

The original three were REALLY impressed with this and eagerly invited him to return again the next week. He was eager to do so.

So, the next Sunday, promptly at 9 a.m., the original three guys were ready to start, but the new guy was nowhere to be found. They waited. 9:10 came, still no new guy. 9:20, still hadn't showed up. Finally, at 9:30 the new guy showed up and exclaimed he was ready to begin.

BUT, first, the original three had been discussing how impressive this new guy was and the fact they had never seen an ambidextrous golfer who was so good from both sides of the tee.

So, one of the spoke up and asked the new guy, "How is it you decide which side you're going to golf from? We've been totally amazed at your performance."

The new guy replied, "I leave it up to my wife."

"How so?" they asked.

"Well, when I wake up on golf morning, if my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"And, what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" they wanted to know.

To which he answered, "In that case, I'm thirty minutes late."

[Mac Daddy]

A man sits down at a bar and asks the bartender for 30 year old glass of whiskey.

The Bartender turns around and pulls a bottle of out of the cabinet and pours the glass and hands it to the man.

The man takes a drink and then spits it out and says "I asked for 30 year old whiskey! That's only 15 year old whiskey!"

So then the bartender turns around and and gets an old bottle and pours the man a glass.

The man takes a sip and says "I asked for 30 year old whiskey! Thats only 25 year old whiskey!"

So the bartender takes an old, spider web covered bottle and pours the man a glass

The man takes a sip and says "Aww now thats 30 year old whiskey!"

An old man at the end of the bar slides the man a glass and says "Take a sip of that"

The man takes a sip and he says "that tastes like piss"

The old man at the end of the bar says "I know, but tell me how old I am"

[Zamoldac]

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

[Mac Daddy]

This one was sent to me by my friend Nicole in Germany thought it was good

Well thats our findings.Several reasons for this are..........

1.Everybody knows when getting down and dirty the glasses have to come off.this leaves them disoriented and confused.Especially if they are near sighted or far sighted.

2.they become very difficult to control cuz they don't know where they are.Ie...licking bed posts,kissing pillows,humping mattresses,talking dirty to the headboard.

3.They frequently call you by the wrong name {which sucks}

4.One girl talking a tad dirty said "I want to squeeze your nipples" Which would have been great but she poked me in the eyes.

5.The exact same girl asked if she could nibble on my ear then she bit my nose.

6.Our studies have proven that girls that wear glasses have poorly shaven legs,armpits and whatever else they may shave.The stubble drove us crazy.

7.One girl asked if she could put something on sexy and came into the room with her thong on backwards.Which actually looked pretty cool but sad in the same way.

8.One gal was saying to me that i had the biggest one she had ever seen.It was awesome to hear that until I realized she was talking about my right forearm.

9.This other girl in Orangeville had her hand on my beard and told me she thought it would be a good idea if I trimmed my pubes for next time...there was not a next time!!!

10.And last but not least....Dont ever let them cowgirl ya .They almost always fall off the bed.

And if you wear contact lenses you are not included in this study....yet!!

SO THERE YA GO.......ANY THOUGHTS????

[Mac Daddy]

Granny Adams made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"

"Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it."

"Okay," I said. "Tell me!"

"Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.

Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full..

Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.

Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!"

[Mac Daddy]

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."