Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

Florida Living Will

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, unequivocally declare that in the event of a catastrophic injury, I do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

I hereby instruct my loved ones and relatives to remove all life-support systems, once it has been determined that my brain is longer functioning in a cognizant realm. However, that judgment should be made only after thorough consultation with medical experts; i.e., individuals who actually have been trained, educated and certified as doctors.

Under no circumstances -- and I can't state this too strongly -- should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. Furthermore, it is my firm hope that, when the time comes, any discussion about terminating my medical treatment should remain private and confidential.

Living in Florida, however, I am acutely aware that the legislative and executive branches of state government is fond of meddling in family matters, and have little concern for the privacy and dignity of individuals.

Therefore, I wish to make my views on this subject as clear and unambiguous as possible. Recognizing that some politicians seem cerebrally challenged themselves (and with no medical excuse), I'll try to keep this simple and to the point:

1. While remaining sensitive to the feelings of loved ones who might cling to hope for my recovery, let me state that if a reasonable amount of time passes -- say, ____ (fill in the blank) months -- and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse,children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

2. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Floridians who aren't in a permanent coma.

3. Under no circumstances shall the governor of Florida butt into this case and order my doctors to put a feeding tube down my throat. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes he's trying to scrounge for 2008, it is my wish that he plays politics with someone else's life and leaves me to die in peace.

4. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

5. It is my heartfelt wish to expire quietly and without a public spectacle. This is obviously impossible once elected officials become involved. So, while recognizing the wrenching emotions that attend the prolonged death of a loved one, I hereby instruct my relatives to settle all disagreements about my care in private or in the courts, as provided by law. If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living ____ (fill in the blank, 4 letter will do).

As Witnessed by: (1st) ____________________________ Dated April 1, 2005, and

(2nd) ______________________________ Dated April 1, 2005, both of which are of sound

mind and are without hearing impediments.

[Mac Daddy]

Yo Mama

Mrs. Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose your mother took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat
down and wrote

Dear Mama:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But, the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Mama, which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'DO' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'DO NOT' sleep with her.
But the fact REMAINS that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl on the nite stand next to her Bed.

BYE NOW.......
Love, Mama.

Lesson of the day : Don't Lie to yo mama!

[Mac Daddy]

OIL SHORTAGE???

A lot of folks can't understand
how we came to have an oil
shortage here in America.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Oklahoma
and
TEXAS
~~~~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington DC

[Mac Daddy]

Fairy Tale

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

[Mac Daddy]

Holy Rollers

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven
and meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat,
"You lived a good life and if there is any way I can
make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let
me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord,
all my life I have lived with a poor family and had
to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the
cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy
pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming
accident and go to Heaven. Again, the Lord is there
to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer,
"All of our lives we have been chased. We have had
to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.
We are tired of running. Do you think we could have
roller skates so we don't have to run any more?" The
Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with a
beautiful pair of roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat
and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently
wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you
have been here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies,
"It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever
expected. And those Meals on Wheels you have been sending
by are the best!!

[Mac Daddy]

Burger 911

Take a listen :good:
http://www.snopes.com/crime/cops/burger.asp

[Mac Daddy]

Drinking and driving

From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar.

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station.

This breathalyzer equipment must be broken"

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[Mac Daddy]

Letters To Landlords

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot
bathe the children until it is
cleared.


2. I want some repairs done to my stove
as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there
is a smell coming from the man next
door.


4. I am writing on behalf of my sink,
which is running away from the wall.


5. I request your permission to remove
my drawers in the kitchen.


6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half
and is now in three pieces.


7. Will you please send someone to mend
our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my
wife tripped on it and is now
pregnant.


8. Will you please send a man to look
at my water, it is a funny color and
not fit to drink.


9. Would you please send a man to
repair my downspout. I am an old
page pensioner and need it straight
away.


10. When the workmen were here they put
their tools in my wife's new
drawers and made a mess. Please
send men with clean tools to finish
the job and keep my wife happy.

[Mac Daddy]

First Aid for a Black Eye

We've seen on cartoons and comedy shows that when someone gets a black eye, they put a piece of raw steak on it. That treatment may seem rather primitive, and frankly it is.

Scientific studies have proven that while in fact the application of a meat substance helps to reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, using a cold steak actually prolongs the recovery of the broken blood vessels which cause the black and blue marks around the eyes.

Further research has shown that the application of a warmer, softer, and more tender meat is much more effective in helping the eyes to recover from the trauma.

See instead the recommended procedure below....

<<Click here>>

[Mac Daddy]

Clintons Biography

Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of
the United States a famous biographer was going to write
Bill's life story. During the course of his interview
he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision
during the Presidency".

Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said,
"Monica Lewinski! I'd have to say Monica was my best
and my worst decision".

"How could that be, Bill?", asked the surprised biographer.

Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say
she was both my best and my worst decision for the same
reason." "That's odd. What was the reason for that?",
said the biographer.

Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had
a big mouth."