Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

Mac Daddy · September 30th, 2006, 06:44 PM

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."

Mac Daddy · September 30th, 2006, 06:47 PM

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

Mac Daddy · September 30th, 2006, 06:49 PM

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Amana · October 3rd, 2006, 12:34 AM

At the airport, passengers are waiting their call.

Suddenly, CoPilot shows up, wearing uniform, all-dark glasses and a white cane. The flight attendant guides him to the plane and returns, explaining to all that although his blindness, he's the best CoPilot the company have; few minutes later arrives the Pilot, also with all-dark glasses and a white cane, and the same flight attendant again explains that although being absolutely blind, he's the best Pilot the company have, and together they made an excellent team.

All passengers get in the plane, very concerned.

At the mic, Commander says that the plane will take off them, so it starts running, faster and faster.

Many seconds pass, but the plane remains in the ground, even though running at high speed.

The end of the airfield getting closer and closer, plane still rolling over without any signs of lifting... at this time, people in the plane are very worried, close to despair.

Suddenly, it eclodes: all passengers start screaming like hell, and just in that very moment the plane lifts up, smoothly.

The Pilot turns to where he supposes the CoPilot is, and says:
- Well, if one day people don't scream, we're screwed.

Dyre Straits · October 3rd, 2006, 08:40 AM

My neighbor named her identical twin boys, Juan and Ahmal.

If you've seen Juan, you've seem Ahmal.

Dyre Straits · October 7th, 2006, 11:08 AM

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row
with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent,
and shakes his head "no." The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a
unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans
would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the
people want. C'mere Hilly, baby." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar
and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "!^$#@&!". The crowd goes absolutely wild.
Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving .
Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how
much everyone would enjoy that !"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch."

Dyre Straits · October 7th, 2006, 11:19 AM

May be a good reason to turn off the computer at night.

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

squall_leonhart · October 7th, 2006, 02:47 PM

anyone ever noticed that Bill and Hillary have the right letters to spell Hillbilly?

gen.Rage1991hrv · October 7th, 2006, 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by squall_leonhart

anyone ever noticed that Bill and Hillary have the right letters to spell Hillbilly?

LoL

Mac Daddy · October 9th, 2006, 08:03 PM

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?