Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

Mac Daddy · August 9th, 2006, 05:05 AM

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...

If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…

If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…

If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’…

If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…

If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…

If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…

If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…

If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground

the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’…

Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…

Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’…

Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…

Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights…

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt…

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted…

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do…

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before…

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get…

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat…

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day…

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves…

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it…

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office…

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back…

Everything can be filed under “pending.”…

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour…

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy…

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing…

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail…

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it…

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk…

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t…

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done…

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying…

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried…

Following the rules will not get the job done…

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules…

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”…

No matter how much you do, you never do enough…

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong…

Noobi Zubi · August 9th, 2006, 11:44 AM

Cinderella was sitting at the basment crying when the ood fairy dropped by to visit.
"what's wrong dear, why's the crying?" asked the fairy.
"the prince i love is throwing a party and i can't go. i don't have clothes, i don't have a ride and it's my period and i'm fresh out of tampons" replied Cinderella.
so the good fairy gave Cinderella clothes, shoes, a chariot and a tampon and told her to be back home before midnight.
Cinderella went to the party, had a great time and when the clock hit 12 she was still at the palace, so she ran out as fast as she could, but when the last gong of the clock sounded, she dropped dead.
can anyone guess why?

A: the tampon turn to pumpkin

Mac Daddy · August 10th, 2006, 02:58 AM

Noobi Zubi .. ouch LOL

Animal Superbowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

Mac Daddy · August 10th, 2006, 02:58 AM

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Mac Daddy · August 10th, 2006, 02:59 AM

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Mac Daddy · August 11th, 2006, 01:50 PM

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Mac Daddy · August 11th, 2006, 01:51 PM

There was a little boy who lived on a farm. One morning when he got up from bed his mother told him he needed to start doing his chores around the farm.

The little boy said he would take over the chores for his dad. So he went to the barn and milked the cow when he was done he kicked the cow right in the ass. Then he went and fed the pig, when he was done he kicked the pig in the ass. Then he went to feed the chicken, when he was done he kicked the chicken in the ass.

After the chores were done the little boy went into the house and said to his mother "The chores are done I want some breakfast".
So the mom put a dry bowl of cereal down in front of the little boy, he said, "What about the milk?", and the mother replied "You can't have any milk because you kicked the cow in the ass". The little boy said, "Well how about some bacon?" the mother replied, "You can't have any bacon because you kicked the pig in the ass". The little boy said "Can I at least have an egg?" The mother replied, "No, you kicked the chicken in the ass".

In walks his father, who kicked the cat, and the little boy said to his mother "Do you want to tell him or should I?"

squall_leonhart · August 11th, 2006, 06:41 PM

ROTFLMAO

Mac Daddy · August 17th, 2006, 01:25 PM

"Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture." -- Winston Churchill

"Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf." -- Jack Benny

"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works." -- Lee Trevino

"Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins." -- Unknown

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." -- Babe Ruth

"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." -- Lee Trevino

"I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." -- Lee Trevino

"These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow." -- Sam Snead

"[Players today] throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it." -- Tommy Bolt

"Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet." -- Tommy Bolt

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." -- Jimmy Demaret

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." -- Jack Lemmon

"If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron?" -- Lee Trevino

"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour." -- Unknown

"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five." -- John Updike

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music." -- Unknown

"I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose." -- Gerald Ford

"The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows." -- PG Wodehouse

"If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him." -- Bob Hope

"In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base." -- Ken Harrelson

"The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

Mac Daddy · August 17th, 2006, 01:26 PM

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."