Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

Once George Bush Jr. visited an elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident".

Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"

A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car."

Bush says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?"

A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff."

Bush says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?"

A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs. Bush was on a plane and it blew up."

Then Bush says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?"

And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."

[Mac Daddy]

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four
years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.

When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.

Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend,
she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this:
she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's
unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note
reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to HER parents.

[Mac Daddy]

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''

The clerk tells him, ''No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it.''

The duck says, ''Okay'' and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''

Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''

The clerk says, ''I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor.''

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ''Got any nails?''

''No,'' comes the reply.

''Got any duck feed?''

[Mac Daddy]

Blood, a young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

[Mac Daddy]

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”

[mainman]

This thread more then deserves a sticky! Thank you Mac for all the great humor!!

[Mac Daddy]

Thanks Mainman and hey anything to bring a smile or a chuckle in this day and age .... nice to have some lighter moments

[Mac Daddy]

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.


2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.


3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.


4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.
Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally...


6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?

[Mac Daddy]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[Mac Daddy]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."