Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Dyre Straits]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

[Dyre Straits]

A pastor was paying a visit to one of the senior citizen women of his church.

During the visit he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and, assuming they were for guests, he began munching on them as they talked. About half-way through the bowl of peanuts, he had a pang of guilt and realized he should have asked before helping himself.

"I'm so sorry. I've nearly eaten all these peanuts. I should have asked if it were OK for me to have some," he said.

"Oh, preacher, you're quite welcome to them. I can't eat peanuts since I have no teeth," she replied. "All I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

[Mac Daddy]

Good ones Dyremeister

[Mac Daddy]

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

[Dyre Straits]

Oh, I could tell you some real humdingers about some of these 'old time' southerners. LOL!

Here's one since you brought up some of my neighbors.....

A fella walked into a store 'up north' and asked the clerk for a RC Cola and a Moon Pie.

"You must be from Alabama," the clerk stated.

"That's one of the most bigoted and prejudiced things anyone's ever said to me!" the fella declared.

"How's that?" the clerk implored.

"Well, if I'd a come in here and asked for Mongolian Beef and Egg Roll, would you say, 'You must be from China?'" he asked.

"No, sir," the clerk replied.

"And, if I'd a come in here and asked for Enchilada and Nachos, would you say, "You must be from Mexico?'" he continued.

"No, sir," the clerk stated.

"Well then, why is it when I came in here and asked for a RC Cola and a Moon Pie, the first thing you said was, 'You must be from Alabama?" he questioned.

"Well," stated the clerk, "first of all, this is a hardware store."

[Mac Daddy]

ROFL

[Mac Daddy]

Q. How do you confuse a bank teller?
A. Give him a bag of M&M’s and tell him to alphabetize them.

Q. Why is a BMW a banker’s favorite car?
A. Because he can’t spell Porsche.

Q. What’s the difference between Xerox and the Titanic?
A. The Titanic had a band.

Q. What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
A. A dependent Claus.

Q. What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors?
A. A superior being.

Q. What is the difference between big foot and a socially responsible banker?
A. Big foot has been sighted.

Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.

If bankers can count, how come the average bank has 10 windows and only four tellers?

Robots - Our Steel Collar Workers

Employer: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”

Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Reasons to stay at work all night...

1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

2. Find a way to change everyone’s password to “chrysanthemum”.

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

4. Sneaking in the boss’s desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out “what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art”.

6. Go into the other gender’s bathroom without fear of being caught.

7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

8. Leave prank messages on the CEO’s voice mail, using someone else's extension of course.

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

10. Elevator surfing, yeee haaa!

[Mac Daddy]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Dyre Straits]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a doberman and the other, a chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the doberman said to her friend, Let's go over to that bar for a drink.

The lady with the chihuahua said, We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.

The one with the doberman said, Just watch, and do as I do.

They walked over to the bar and the one with the doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.
The woman with the doberman said, You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.

The bouncer said, A doberman?

The woman said, Yes, they're using them now. They're very good.

The bouncer said, OK, come on in.

The lady with the chihuahua thought that convincing him that a chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, what the heck, so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.

The woman said, You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.

The bouncer said, A chihuahua?

The woman with the chihuahua said, A chihuahua? The jerk sold me a chihuahua?

[Mac Daddy]

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."

"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."

"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.


A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."

"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"