Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

"My whole family is shocked and surprised with the death of my uncle", says a man to his friend.
"Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, how old was he?", asks the friend.
"He was 95 years old", answers the man.
"Actually, that's kind of old", claims the friend, "Why are you so surprised?".
"Because his parachute didn't open".

[Mac Daddy]

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

[Mac Daddy]

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

[Mac Daddy]

A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."

"What catch?" the man asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your third and final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"

[Dyre Straits]

Oh....I love Genie in the Bottle stories!!

Here's one:

Three guys chartered a boat to do deep-sea fishing. They got out about 20 miles offshore when the engine sheared a pin. Without having any spare parts or tools, they set to drifting, hoping to eventually drift into shore.

Well, three days later they're still drifting, starved and thirsty as they'd only taken provisions for one day.

As they lay on the deck one of them spotted something flashing in the water.

"Quick," he yelled. "Help me intercept this. If it's what I think it is, we're in luck!"

So, they all pitched in and manuevered the boat to intercept a tarnished brass bottle.

The first guy explained, "If this is what I think it is, it's a genie in the bottle."

With that, he commenced to rubbing and rubbing on the bottle until it got bright and shiny.

Poof! and a Genie appeared.

"You have one wish, sire," the Genie stated.

"I'm so starved, I wish I were home at my supper table eating a banquet," the first guy replied.

With that, he disappeared.

The second guy grabbed the bottle, which had become tarnished by the smoke, and started rubbing and rubbing until it got bright and shiny again.

"You have one wish, sire," the Genie stated.

"I'm so exhausted and sore, I wish I were home in my own bed," the second guy replied.

With that, he disappeared.

The third guy has watched as the other two had worked on the bottle, so he grabbed it and started rubbing. He rubbed and rubbed and rubbed until it got bright and shiny.

"You have one wish, sire," the Genie stated.

"You know, it's awfully lonely out here all by myself," the third guy started. "I wish I had my buddies back."

[Dyre Straits]

On another topic:

OK.....

You all know that, in the Biblical account of creation, the very last act of creation was that of Eve...a woman, right?

Q. Why did God wait until last to create a woman?

A. Because, knowing what she'd be like, He didn't want someone standing around telling Him how to do everything.

[Mac Daddy]

Good ones Dyre

[Dyre Straits]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's' bottom.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that ."

[Mac Daddy]

A Classic Dyre ROFL

Heres another ....

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

[Mac Daddy]

A rather well built woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"

"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man. "You are lying on the dining room skylight."