Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Jexican]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[Jexican]

Why Girls Are Like Finals
You'd rather get an easy one.

You get in a lot of trouble if you get caught cheating on one.

If you are drunk when you do one, it takes a lot longer to finish.

The less they have on them the better.

If you have more than one scheduled at the same time, you have a problem.

Nothing about them makes any sense.

They just lie there and you have to do all the work.

When you are done you get up and leave.

Good curves make for a more enjoyable experience.

[Jexican]

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is, and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University; I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning-- what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct!"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup."
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."


Later that same day

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He's a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning-- what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "Then you're gay"

[Jexican]

A priest decides one sunday morning to skip church and play a round of golf instead. He calls his junior priest saying that he's very sick and that he should take over services for that day. The priest than grabs his clubs and heads to the course.

When he starts playing he finds he's having the best game he's ever had. He's hitting the ball further than he usually could, making very distant putts and such. He can't believe it.

Meanwhile, God and one of his angels is watching the game. The angel asks "Aren't you mad at how he's skipping church to play golf?" God replies, "Kind of. Here, watch this." God waves his hand, and the priest makes a hole in one. The Angel asks "I don't get it, why are you giving him the best game of his life?" God replies "Who is he going to be able to tell about it?"

[Jexican]

Top 10 Dog complaints

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooo...what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9 . Dog sweaters. Hello?? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

[Danhill]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I love this thread!!!

[Mac Daddy]

Glad your enjoying it Danhill .. were not done yet LOL ... Hey some good ones Jexican and love the siggy man !! :dirol:

[eXtortion]

good jokes guys :good: :good: :good: :good: :good:

[Jexican]

Originally posted by Mac Daddy@Apr 20 2005, 12:35 PM
Glad your enjoying it Danhill .. were not done yet LOL ... Hey some good ones Jexican and love the siggy man !! :dirol:

Thanks. Even though I didn't make the background -_- I'm such a thief! lol

[Mac Daddy]

LOL I made mine Neener Neener :butcher:

Actual Label Instructions on Consumer Goods

On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO


On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU


On a Korean kitchen knife:
KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN


On an Indonesian packet of nuts:
OPEN PACKET AND EAT CONTENTS


On a pack of Sainsbury's (UK) salted peanuts:
WARNING: CONTAINS NUTS


On a Taiwanese shampoo:
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE


On a Marks and Spencer's (UK) bread and butter pudding:
WARNING: PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING


On the bottle-top of a flavoured milk drink:
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT


On an Aussie iron:
WARNING: NEVER IRON CLOTHES ON THE BODY.


On a New Zealand insect spray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.


In an American guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was on the INSIDE of the box.)


On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.


On Tesco's tiramisu dessert:
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (printed on bottom of the box)


On Boot's children's cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.


US Hair Dryer
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING


7up
CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE. CAP MAY BLOW OFF CAUSING EYE OR OTHER SERIOUS INJURY. POINT AWAY FROM FACE AND PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY WHEN OPENING.


Many Irish Mineral Waters claim that the water was in the Spring for thousands of years , then they have this ...
BEST BEFORE JAN 2002


Various Computers
<ERROR> : KEYBOARD NOT DETECTED. PRESS F1 TO RESUME


Nabisco Easy Cheese
FOR BEST RESULTS, REMOVE CAP.


Baby Oil
KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN


Little Ones Baby Lotion
KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN


Childrens Cough Syrup
THIS FORMULA MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS, IF AFFECTED DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY OR DRIVE A VEHICLE.


Unknown Birth Control Pills
DO NOT USE IF YOU ARE PREGNANT, INTENT TO BECOME PREGNANT ,OR MIGHT BE PREGNANT.


Nytol Sleep Aid
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS


Unknown Christmas Lights
WARNING: FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.


Komatsu Floodlight
THIS FLOODLIGHT IS CAPABLE OF ILLUMINATING LARGE AREAS, EVEN IN THE DARK


Superman Halloween Costume
WARNING! CAPE DOES NOW FACILITATE FLIGHT WHEN WORN.


Husquvarna Swedish Chainsaw
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH HANDS.

On a promotional bag of crisps in UK
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.

On a frozen dinner
Serving suggestion : Defrost.