Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

At 7 AM, a lone wife hears a key in the front door. She wanders down, bleary eyed, to find her husband in the kitchen – drunk, with ruffled hair and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarls, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at seven in the morning?"

"There is," he replies. ‘Breakfast.’

[Mac Daddy]

One afternoon a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," the carpet layer said to himself. So, he got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

[Mac Daddy]

Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[Regeneration]

Originally Posted by Mac Daddy

Once there was this guy named Bill, and his favorite sport was driving around in his truck hitting lawyers. One day as Bill was out running over lawyers and having tons of fun, he saw a priest hitchhikingon the side of the road.
Mistaking him for a lawyer, Bill almost hit him, but swerved away at the last second. Feeling terrible, Bill offered to give the priest a ride.

So Bill and the priest are driving along, neither of them saying much, when Bill saw a lawyer walking along. He immediately recognized him by the trail of slime he left in his wake. Getting all excited, Bill sped up in hot pursuit of the lawyer. At the very last second, Bill remembered the priest sitting in his truck with him, and he swerved out of the way. Relieved to have missed the lawyer, Bill turned to the priest. "Father, I almost hit a lawyer!" Bill cried.

"Oh dont worry sonny" the priest replied. "I got him with my door."

ROFL!!

[Mac Daddy]

LOL Rege ... hey I really liked that one you told me ... post it !! post it !!

[Mac Daddy]

Originally Posted by Regeneration

All this talking about lawyers reminds me a small joke about them. One time some guy went to home through a graveyard. He noticed some grave says “George R. Norman – A good man and a lawyer”. After he saw that, he said to himself: “Oh my god! The condition in this country is so bad that they have to bury TWO GUYS in a single grave??”

LOL

[Mac Daddy]

There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first lady immediately had a stroke.

Then the second lady also had a stroke.

But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

[Mac Daddy]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year. __________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. _______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? _____________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years. ______________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo? A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo. __________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? __________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? __________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of your baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time? __________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls? __________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female? __________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. __________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral. __________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. __________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? __________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Mac Daddy]

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

[squall_leonhart]

hahahahahha

Keep up the good ones Mac daddy!