Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[outlawzsm]

ahahha that was a good one. you sure got a lot, post some more there good.

[Mac Daddy]

Well glad you enjoyed them outlawzsm thats why I post them here on NGO we all need a laugh once in a while

If your date ever uses any of these lines, you know its game over.

1. I have to floss my cat.

2. I've dedicated my life to linguini.

3. I want to spend more time with my blender.

4. The President said he might drop in.

5. The man on television told me to say tuned.

6. I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.

7. I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.

8. It's my parakeet's bowling night.

9. It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.

10. I'm building a pig from a kit.

11. I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

12. I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

13. There's a disturbance in the Force.

14. I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

15. I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.

16. I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

17. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

18. I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.

19. I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.

20. My crayons all melted together.

21. I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

22. I'm in training to be a household pest.

23. I'm getting my overalls overhauled.

24. My patent is pending.

25. I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

26. I'm sandblasting my oven.

27. I'm worried about my vertical hold.

28. I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

29. I'm being deported.

30. The grunion are running.

31. I'll be looking for a parking space.

32. My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.

33. The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.

34. I'm taking punk totem pole carving.

35. I have to fluff my shower cap.

36. I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

37. I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

38. I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

39. My plot to take over the world is thickening.

40. I have to fulfill my potential.

41. I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

42. It's too close to the turn of the century.

43. I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

44. My subconscious says no.

45. I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

46. I left my body in my other clothes.

47. The last time I went out, I never came back.

48. I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.

49. I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

50. None of my socks match.

51. I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.

52. I'm having all my plants neutered.

53. People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.

54. I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

55. I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."

56. I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

57. My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

58. I'm touring China with a wok band.

59. My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.

60. I never go out on days that end in "Y."

61. My mother would never let me hear the end of it.

62. I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.

63. I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.

64. I'm too old/young for that stuff.

65. I have to ash/condition/perm/curl/tease my hair.

66. I have too much guilt.

67. There are important world issues that need worrying about.

68. I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.

69. I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

70. I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

71. I feel a song coming on.

72. I'm trying to be less popular.

73. My bathroom tiles need grouting.

74. I have to bleach my hare.

75. I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.

76. I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.

77. You know how we psychos are.

78. My favorite commercial is on TV.

79. I have to study for a blood test.

80. I'm going to be old someday.

81. I've been traded to Cincinnati.

82. I'm observing National Apathy Week.

83. I have to rotate my crops.

84. My uncle escaped again.

85. I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.

86. I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.

87. I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.

88. I have to go to court for kitty littering.

89. I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.

90. I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.

91. Having fun gives me prickly heat.

92. I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.

93. I have to jog my memory.

94. My palm reader advised against it.

95. My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.

96. I have to stay home and see if I snore.

97. I prefer to remain an enigma.

98. I think you want the OTHER [your name].

99. I have to sit up with a sick ant.

100. I'm trying to cut down.

101. My asthma is acting up again

102. That would interfere with my time to wait for the government to take me away.

103. You're ugly, I'm busy, have a nice day

104. Its my goldfish's birthday

105. Uh, I have stuff to do.

106. I have to make an air sandwich

107. I have to hide the bodies.

108. I don't have time to go on a date...with YOU!

109. I have to wash my hair.

110. I have to clean my toilet

111. I need to spend quality time with my weed wacker

112. I need to clean the air in my room

113. My hamster is having a heart transplant and I need to stay for moral support.

114. I caught a rare deadly African disease that's highly contagious.

115. My gerbil is getting married.

116. I have plans to clean the cracks in my floor

117. Sorry, when you came to my door I mistook you for a mormon and took cover.

118. I had to rob your house

119. That's the night I reorganize my rock collection.

120. Pinnochio is on tonight

121. I have to try out for the ice skating team at school.

122. I don't date outside my species

123. Sorry I think I'm gay

124. I have to go...........over..............there.

125. My butt is to big in this dress

126. I have to take out the trash

127. My dog had baby kittens.

128. I can't, I need to take my computer apart and put it back together.

129. I have to go shopping for my mother.

130. I'm sorry, I have to rotate the strings on all of my shoes.

131. No

132. I told my car I would tenderly rub wax into it's body

133. I have to go for my full body wax appointment

134. I can't I was asked to go to another party w/o you

135. I don't date goats!

136. Ally Mcbeal is on

137. I'm reading with my widower

138. I have to brush my teeth.

139. Alf comes on soon

140. I'm sick.

141. I've had a better offer, some bloke is coming round to set fire to my head

142. I'm busy cleaning the blood off my axe

143. My dad said I can't date till I am married

144. I'm shaving my dog.

145. It's against my religion to date people named (insert relevant name)

146. My grandma is on fire.

147. I'm getting married tonight.

148. I'm engaged.

149. I don't want to ruin our friendship.

150. I have family in town.

151. I just washed my hair.

152. It's that time of the month again.

153. My father's grandmother's aunt's mother died.

154. I have to take down the Christmas lights.

155. I have to go to a surprise party for my grandma's birthday.

156. I left my tolerance in another coat.

157. I just got back together with my ex

158. I don't like people.

159. I have to alphabetize my CDs. (Hey, is that supposed to be insulting to me? -- dan)

160. I might see someone who knows me.

161. My brother's sister's mum's son's dad died.

162. I would, but it would be a complete waste of make-up.

163. My pet snake is constipated again.

164. I have a phobia of people named (insert name here).

165. I have to teach my pig to sing.

166. I just got sick (right after you asked me out).

167. My dog is too tired.

168. I never said I'd go out with you, that was my evil twin.

169. I would go out with you but my waiting list is full.

170. There's a four hour TV special on trimming shrubbery.

171. I'm washing the sofa.

172. I have to milk my cow.

173. Everquest.

174. I don't want to miss Martha Stewart's premiere.

175. I have to teach my frog how to croak.

176. I'm too busy watching the paint dry.

177. The "Rocky" marathon is on that night.

178. I promised my mum I'd bathe the hamster.

179. I tripped over an ant and broke my leg.

180. I need to clip my nose hairs.

181. I have to read the labels on all of my food.

182. You are extremely unattractive. Sorry, someone had to tell you.

183. I'm gay.

184. I don't like you.

185. My goat broke a horn.

186. I have to go to the dentist.

187. I have to brush my dog's teeth.

188. I must go in search of my charms which were stolen by an angry leprechaun.

189. I'm going to the moon.

190. My water wings are flat.

191. I have to stay home and give my goldfish a bath.

192. I'm going to be playing with my mental blocks.

193. I have to wax the driveway.

194. I'm not into dating right now.

195. I'm teaching my goldfish how to play the electric guitar.

196. I'm teaching my dog to meow.

197. I have to watch Oprah.

198. I like you, but my friends said I can't go out with you.

199. I like your best friend.

200. I'm complicated to go out with.

201. I just found out we're related.

202. On my list of things to do, seeing you is at the bottom.

[Mac Daddy]

180 degrees shy of heaven

Performing with Flacido Domingo

A few parts shy of an erector set

Sch-wing and a miss

Not rising to the level of impeachable offence

The Null Monte

Disappointing Miss Daisy

Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics

Ascension Deficit Disorder

Bouncing the Check of Love

Less-than-Magic Johnson

All Doled up with nowhere to go

Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You

Serving boneless pork

Unleavened Man-Bread

[Mac Daddy]

Can people really be this stupid?

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7. My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.

[liqnit]

great theread just find it out
thanks for sharing the good ones with us

[Mac Daddy]

Glad you are enjoying them liqnit heres a few more

Looking for a car? Here are some telltale signs of cars you may want to avoid...

Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."

Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.

Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.

Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist

Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.

Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.

Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.

Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.

Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.

Jaws of life in trunk.

The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.

Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.

The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.

[Mac Daddy]

This is the ultimate guide to good food eating for bachelors...

1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

2. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

3. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

4. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

5. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

6. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

7. EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

8. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

9. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

10. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

11. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

12. GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

13. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

14. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

15. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

16. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

17. RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

18. SALT: It never spoils.

19. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

20. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.

[Mac Daddy]

Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don't even think about trying it twice.

[Mac Daddy]

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

[Mac Daddy]

It's always good to check into the meaning of your slogans and brands before you start selling in foreign countries, as these companies learned a bit too late...

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted
them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the
Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea".

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
"manure stick".

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned
that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside,
since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate".

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the
company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so
the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".