Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and
one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are
prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in
Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently
being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his
three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives
in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.
Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with
her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested
in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into
the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her. So here's
where I need your advice.

Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

[Mac Daddy]

Prostate Surgery

Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active.

John Edwards called to wish Kerry well.

Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers.

Howard Dean called with encouragement on recovery.

Bill Clinton called Teresa.

[Mac Daddy]

Bush In Heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

[Mac Daddy]

Bastard

Clinton walks out into his garden one day and in the snow he says "bastard" written in piss. He is so outraged he goes into the oval office and calls the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did this horrible thing to his garden. So they go out and investigate and when they return they say "Well Bill, we've got bad news and we've got worse news, which one would you like to hear first?" And Bill says, "What's the bad news?" The agent replies, "It was Al Gore." Aghast Bill yells, "That dirty no good son of a bitch!!!!! What's the worse news?" So the agent says, "It was Hillary's handwriting..."

[Jexican]

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch..... As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

"Floor 1 - These men have jobs."
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids."
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - "These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework."
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"

And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day."

[Mac Daddy]

Clocks In Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Mac Daddy]

Condom Emergency

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of condom company.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one.

[Jexican]

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women:
(and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as abrother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)



In response...The male perspective on the same
issue...


Top 10 rejection lines given by Men :
(and what they actually mean...)


10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)

1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)

[Mac Daddy]

Yo Momma Jokes II

Yo momma so fat, scientists have declared her ass to be the 10th planet.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

Your momma's so poor she can't even pay attention!

Your mamma is so fat she's on both sides of the family.

Your mamma is so fat when we were having sex I rolled over 9 times and I was still on the BITCH!!!!!

Yo momma so ugly your Grandma threw her on the street and was charged for littering.

Yo momma so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!

Yo momma so ugly, she walked into Taco Bell and everyone ran for the border.

Yo momma is like a toilet; fat, white, and smells like shit !!

Yo momma is like a bowling ball, gets picked up fingered, thrown in the gutter and bitch comes back for more.

Your mamma is so poor she was kicking a can down the street, asked what she was doing and she said moving.

Yo momma is like a bottle of ketchup, she gets turned around, banged, and then she comes out slow.

Your mother is like a doorknob.... everyone gets a turn!

Your mom is like a race car driver, she burns 50 rubbers a day.

Your momma is like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows and gets laid in the closet.

Your mothers so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo momma's so stupid she thought a quarterback is a refund.

Yo momma's glasses are so thick when she looks at a map she sees people waving.

Yo momma's hair so greasy when she gets in the car the oil light comes on.

Yo momma is a carpenter's dream...she's flat as a board and she's never been screwed.

Yo momma is so fat she has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.

Yo momma is so fat her blood type is rocky road.

Yo momma is so fat when God said let there be light, he said move your fat butt out of the way.

Yo momma is so dumb she got hit by a park car.

Yo momma is so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo momma is so fat she uses a mattress as a tampon.

Yo momma is so fat she put on a pair of Guess Jeans and the answer popped out.

Yo momma's so fat, she irons her clothes on the drive way!

Yo momma's glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map she sees people waving.

Yo momma's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world!

Yo momma's so ugly, when you look up "ugly" in the dictionary, there's a picture of her!

Yo momma's so short, she does back flips under the bed!

Yo momma is like a shotgun, one cock and she'll blow

Yo momma's so fat she can't even fit in the chat room.

Yo Momma's so fat she gets her toenails painted at Lucky's Auto Body.

Your momma's armpits so stink she put on Right Guard and it went left.

Your momma's like a hardware store, 5 cents a screw.

Your momma's house is so small, when you buy a large pizza you have to go outside and eat it

Your momma's so hairy they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower!

Yo momma's got more mileage then a New York city taxi.

Yo momma's face is so pimply that her tears need a 4x4 to get down her face.

Yo momma's so loose, she jerks herself with the fat end of a baseball bat.

Yo momma so poor when I rang the doorbell she stuck her head out the window and yelled ding dong.

Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Yo momma's so poor, she has to hang toilet paper out to dry.

Yo momma's so poor, when I stepped on a lit match in her house, she yelled "Who turned off the furnace"!

Yo momma's so poor, she can't get rid of the roaches in her house 'cause they pay half the rent!

Yo momma's feet are so crusty, when she walks on a wooden floor, it sounds like she's tap dancing.

Yo momma's like a pie, everybody gets a piece.

Yo momma's so fat that when she asked for a water bed, they threw a blanket over the pacific ocean.

Yo momma's like a "Happy Meal" small, cheap and greasy!

Your momma's so fat, your family pictures have to be taken by a satellite!

Your momma's like the village bicycle, everybody gets a ride.

Yo momma's got a party in her mouth tonight, and everybody's cumming.

Yo momma's so short, she can sit on a dime and swing her legs.

Yo mama so skinny her pyjamas only have one stripe.

Your mommas so ugly the army doesn't use guns any more, they use her picture.

You're mama is so poor that she chases the garbage truck with a shopping list.

Yo momma is so fat she caught a flesh-eating virus... and that was three years ago.

Yo momma so short she can hang glides Doritos.

Your mother is so fat she asked for a water bed and they put a blanket over the ocean.

Yo Momma's so fat, when she walks by the TV I miss a season of Friends.

Yo momma's so stupid she sold her car for gas money.

Yo mamma so old she has the autographed version of the Bible.

Yo Mamas so stupid she locked herself in the bathroom and pissed her pants.

Yo mama's so poor, she chases a garbage truck with a grocery list!

Yo momma so ugly all the neighbours pitched in for curtains.

Yo momma's so short she did a suicide jump off the curb.

Yo momma's so short, you could see her feet on her driver license.

Yo momma's so stupid, she call you a son of a bitch.

[Mac Daddy]

You Know You're In Trouble When...

...Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

...Your suggestion box starts ticking.

...Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

...The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

...People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

...You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

...The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

...You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.