Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

Tips for a happy marriage

Red Skelton's tips for a happy marriage:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11... Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her...
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

[Mac Daddy]

To all those that survived the last 50 years...........

To all the kids who survived the 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

We survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day...... and we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!


And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

[Mac Daddy]

Free Tacos :help:

[Mac Daddy]

MEMORIES from a friend

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals< /U>

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers


If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends

[Mac Daddy]

CLASSES FOR MEN AT YOUR LOCAL ADULT LEARNING CENTER

Sign-up by April 27th
(Due to the complexity and difficulty level, each course will accept a
maximum of 8 participants.)

How To Fill The Ice Cube Tray
Step By Step, With Slide Presentation

Toilet Paper: Does It Grow On The Holder?
Round Table Discussion

Is It Possible To Urinate By Lifting The Seat And Avoid
Splashing The Floor, Walls And Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The Floor
Pictures And Explanatory Graphics

Dishes And Silverware: Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Sink?
Examples On Video

Identity Crisis: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other
Helpline And Support Groups

Learning How To Find Things
Looking In The Right Place Instead Of Turning the House Upside Down While
Screaming

Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
Graphics And Audio Tape

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonials
(may be cancelled due to unavailability of testimonials)

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulation

Learning About Life: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife
Online Class And Role Playing

How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion
Exercises, Meditation And Breathing Techniques

How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other
Important Dates And Calling When You're Going To Be Late
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions And Full Lobotomies Offer

[Mac Daddy]

Backwards Collar

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why
he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am
a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said,"I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

[mainman]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :clapping: :drinks: excelent Mac!!

[tomslick]

The Hunting Dog.
An aggie stopped in at his faviorite bar on his way home from work one friday. As he got out of his pickup he noticed a dog in the pickup that he had parked next to. It was a beagle and it had no legs, the dog seem friendly enough and he gave him a pat on the head as he walked by. Once in the bar he ordered a beer and mentioned to the bartender what he had seen in the parking lot. A man sitting a few stools down the bar interupted with thats my dog, one of the best squril dogs in the state. The aggie said oh come on buddy that dog has no legs how can he possibly be a squril dog. The man said well he is and he is for sale if your interested. The aggie couldnt stand it he wanted to know more so he replyed that he might be. The man said well follow me and I will show you what he can do, we can go to the woods right out here behing the bar. They went to the mans pickup where he unloaded a wheelbarrow that the aggie hadnt noticed when he was looking at the dog earlier. The man grabed the beagle and put him in the wheelbarrow and said lets go hunting. They no sooner made the edge of the trees and the beagle opened up on trail, the man hurridly pushed the dog around in a cricle and over to a tree. Sure enough up in the top of the tree there was a squril. The aggie couldnt believe his eyes. The man laughed watch this. Away he went and immediatly the dog opened on trail again straight to another tree, sure enough another squril. Then he did it again and again. The aggie bought the dog and the man threw in the wheelbarrow for nothing. When the aggie got home his wife was curious so he told her the story, she laughed and called him an id**t.
The next morning the aggie was up bright and early and ready to take the beagle to the woods. His wife walked him to the back of their place where the woods streached for miles. He told her he would be back soon.
10:00 am came and went as his wife watched the woods from the kitchen window. By 2:00 pm she was getting a little worried. By 5:30 with darkness not far away she had concluded that something was wrong and was very close to calling 911. Just then aggie came out of the woods. Relieved she ran out of the house, and back to meet him. As she got closer she noticed that his cloths were torn and ragged and that he was bleeding in numerous places from thorns and scrapes. The tire on the wheelbarrow was flat and that the beagle was laying in there sleeping comfortably. As she ran up to him she exclamed what in the world happened to you. The aggie replied: Oh that dumb SOB jumped a deer!

[aap]

It's just freaking amazing. :clapping:

[Mac Daddy]

Glad you and everyone else is enjoying the thread Aap .. more coming tonight after work :good: