Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

LOL@Tom :dirol:

The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this,mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee."

[Mac Daddy]

Home Improvements

Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn
on the light, and it didn't work. After replacing the
bulb, still no light. When John, her husband, came
home, she said, "Honey, the light switch is broken.
Could you fix it for me please?". To which John replied
while displaying proudly the front of his T-shirt, "Do
you see 'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?"
Jane said nothing.

The next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the
cabinet door fell off today. Could you put it back
on for me please?" To which John, of course, replied,
"Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front
of this shirt?"

The next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the
water pipe under the sink is leaking. Could you fix
it for me please?" "Right!", John replied, "Do you
see 'plumber' written anywhere on the front of this
shirt?"

The next day John came home and the light switch was
working, the cabinet door had been replaced, and the
pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see you found some
good repairmen". To which Jane replied, "No, I just
called the neighbor next door." John asked, "Oh really?
And how much did he charge?" Jane laughed and said,
"He didn't charge anything. He said I could just bake
him some 'goodies' or we could trade it out in sex."
To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of
'goodies' did you bake for him?" And Jane said proudly
while displaying the front of her shirt, "Honey, do
you see Betty Crocker written on here anywhere?"

[Mac Daddy]

Recycling

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.

The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

[Mac Daddy]

Changing of the national emblem

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

"Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."

[Mac Daddy]

Promises Kept

Zelda recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
brought his ashes home. Opening the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started
talking to him. "Morris, you know that fur coat you always promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then
said: "Morris, remember that new car you kept promising me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her
fingers in the ashes she said, "Morris, that diamond necklace you promised you'd buy me someday? I bought it today with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,
"Morris, remember that blow job I always promised you? Get ready. here it comes!!!!"

[Mac Daddy]

Rednecks first time at a brothel

There was 3 rednecks in sight seeing when they came upon a brothel. Excited, they entered the brothel like in a toy store.

The first redneck had $5.00, the second redneck had $10.00, and
the third redneck had $15.00. The first redneck approached the
lady behind the desk and said " I got $5.00! What do I get for
$5.00?" The lady spoke over the intercom and said "Ginger-- take
this gentleman upstairs and give him $5.00 worth!"

The first redneck came back downstairs grinning from ear to ear.
The other two rednecks said "Man, what did you get for $5.00?"
The first redneck explained that she took it out of his pants she put whipped cream all over it, then licked it all off.

This exited the 2nd redneck and he quickly approached the lady at
the desk. He said "Okay, I have $10.00!What do I get for $10.00?"
The lady spoke over the intercom and said" Tasha, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $10.00 worth!"

The 2nd redneck came downstairs, grinning from ear to ear, as if he
was on Cloud Nine. The other two rednecks met him and asked"
Man, what did you get for $10.00?" The 2nd redneck explained she
took it out of his pants, put whipped cream on it, nuts and chocolate topping and she licked it all off.

This excited the 3rd redneck, so he nervously approached the lady at
the desk and said, "I have $15.00. What can I get for $15.00?" The
lady turned on the intercom again and said" Melissa, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $15.00 worth!"

The 3rd redneck came downstairs with a huge frown on his face, and
on the brink of tears. Curious, the other 2 rednecks asked, "Man, why are you so sad. What could've went wrong? You had $15.00?" The 3rd redneck said, "Boys, she took it out of my pants, put whipped cream all over it. Then she put strawberries, pinapple topping, chocolate syrup,nuts and a big cherry on top! It looked so good I ate it myself."

[Mac Daddy]

Famous Beer Quotes

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and
an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football
team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least
you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol
than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the
decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; Madam, if you were
my wife, I would drink it. --His reply

Sir, you're drunk! --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;
Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober
and you will still be ugly. --His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have
given us stomachs. --David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking
beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep
Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history
of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was
also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly
as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few
drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it
from urine. --David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of
beer; they just like to pee alot. --Capital Brewery,
Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the
world. --Kaiser Welhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet
beer. --Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as
hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no
way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave
Barry

I drink to make other people interesting. --George
Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to
spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls,
Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without
holding on. --Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like
me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing
you with beer. --Homer Simpson

[Mac Daddy]

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY !!

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I have always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you.

I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time.
let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

[Mac Daddy]

A few blond jokes.....

FLORIDA OR THE MOON?
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking........and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away.........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said,"So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blonde, "they're watch dogs!!"

[Mac Daddy]

30 Lines To Make You Smile

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are just missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.