Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel , found Him resting on the seventh day. He inquires of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh Of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" in quired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, "For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot." God continued, pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass with an ocean as it border and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," s a id God, "that's the Jersey Shore , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate. The people from the Jersey Shore are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance ! Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call the Jersey Shore "

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the assholes I'm sending down from New York every summer."

[Mac Daddy]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

[Mac Daddy]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."

The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc...Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"

[Mac Daddy]

A guy dies, and goes to Heaven. When the guy arrives in Heaven, St. Peter greets him, and says, "Come with me, and I will show you where you will be staying." St. Peter and this guy are walking along side of the golden fence of Heaven, and the guy notices many clocks on the fence. Out of curiousity, the guy asks St. Peter, "What are all these clocks for?" St. Peter smiles, "They are clocks for every person in the world," he says, "And they tick once for each time you lie. There is Mother Theresa's clock! Her clock has never ticked once. There is Abraham Lincoln's clock! His clock has only ticked twice." Again, out of curiousity, the guy asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" St. Peter calmly says, "His clock is in Jesus's office. He is using it as a fan."

[Amana]

Originally Posted by Mac Daddy

These valuable courses specific to the needs of women has been thoughtfully prepared and presented by men as in-depth and life changing courses.

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "Me Too" Equals I Love You

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

I read these to my wife, she growls a sarcastic "ha ha"

[Mac Daddy]

Hee hee Amana and thats why this thread is here right Bro .... life is to serious gotta have some laughs along the way

[Dyre Straits]

Polish Women are TOUGH!

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

[Mac Daddy]

At communion you go back for seconds.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.

McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

[Dyre Straits]

Senior Citizens in Church:

A couple of seniors were sitting through an exceptionally long church service.

Finally, one of them leaned over and told the other, "My butt's going to sleep."

The second one replied, "I know! I've heard it snore twice so far."

[Mac Daddy]

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.

The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."