Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

Mac Daddy · June 21st, 2007, 12:40 PM

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

gen.Rage1991hrv · June 25th, 2007, 10:36 PM

gen.Rage1991hrv · June 25th, 2007, 10:43 PM

Mac Daddy · June 26th, 2007, 01:25 AM

ROFL good ones gen

Mac Daddy · July 8th, 2007, 10:49 PM

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached the UK.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Mac Daddy · July 8th, 2007, 10:51 PM

This guy goes into a doctors and says, "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.

"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day," he answers back.

"That's not so much," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.

"Well, that's definitely too much," says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do," says the man. "Twice a day!"

Mac Daddy · July 8th, 2007, 10:54 PM

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,"So you're a
man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

squall_leonhart · July 9th, 2007, 05:05 PM

All I Want Is

A professor asked her college class, "What do you want out of life?"

An attractive coed in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The professor asked, "Really, and what four little animals would that be?"

The coed said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

Chores

The husband got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks.

He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

Dyre Straits · July 12th, 2007, 11:02 AM

A little girl went with her daddy to pick out a kitten.

When they arrived at the home where the litter of little kitties was located, she was greeted by a little boy about her same age.

Her daddy proceeded to view the litter of kittens, picking up each one and turning it upside down and then placing it back amongst the litter.

The little girl asked the little boy, "Why is my daddy turning all the kitties upside down?"

The little boy said, "It's to see if the kitty is a boy kitty, or a girl kitty."

"How does turning the kitty upside down tell him that?" she asked.

Without any hesitation, the little boy replied, "I think it's written on the bottom."

Mac Daddy · July 12th, 2007, 12:45 PM

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion."

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie".

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.