Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

[Mac Daddy]

LOL good one Gen

THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

1. THE COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

ON COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the
stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked
her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million
illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them
all a cow.

ON THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq, why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

ON THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
courthouse........ You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of
lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work
environment.

[gen.Rage1991hrv]

question HIV positive or HIV negative ?
link---> Anketa - Što je bolje: Hiv pozitivani ili hiv negativan? - SlobOdNovrRiJeme ZaBavA

[Mac Daddy]

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.


2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.


3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.


4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.


5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.


6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.


7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.


8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.


9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.


10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

[Mac Daddy]

A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.

Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle."

Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?"

Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he cain't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."

[Mac Daddy]

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

[gen.Rage1991hrv]

Georg Bush has gone to visit one of the elementary schools.After big speech he have told children that they can ask some questions.

one of the kids rise a hand and Georg ask for his name:
-My name is Stanly, kid says
-What do you want to ask Stanly?
-i have four questions:
1, why have SAD attacked Iraq without UN`s permission?
2, why are you a president when Al Gore had more votes than you?
3, what really hapend to Osama Bin Laden?
last question, why are you so worried about gay marriages when half of Americans dose not have medical insurance?

exactly in that moment the bell went off. Georg happily say that they will continue after the rest.
when they came back George Bush says:

where ware we? ah yes who have a question??
another kid raise a hand and George ask for his name:

-My name is Steve, -kid says
-What is your questions, -George ask him with a big smile
-I have 6 questions sir :
1, why have SAD attacked Iraq without UN`s permission?
2, why are you a president when Al Gore had more votes than you?
3, what really hapend to Osama Bin Laden?
4, why are you so worried about gay marriages when half of Americans dose not have medical insurance?
5, why a bell for rest went off 20 minutes earlier than usual??
and what hapend to Stanly??




p.s.it was hard to translate from my language

[Mac Daddy]

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!"

[Mac Daddy]

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

[Mac Daddy]

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail." So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. ''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. ''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. ''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

[Superfly]

Strike a pose!