Mac Daddys Joke thread II (The Sequel)

Mac Daddy · April 5th, 2007, 11:35 PM

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even
answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand
an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,"Now,
just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go
off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to
the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car
keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to
open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people,
all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me
stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half
of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

Mac Daddy · April 5th, 2007, 11:48 PM

A Scottish young man, Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, went to study at an English university and was living in the dorm with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Mac Daddy · April 5th, 2007, 11:51 PM

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Mac Daddy · April 6th, 2007, 12:01 AM

A recent magazine survey interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered.
Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:

IF WOMEN DRINK ...

BEER
Personality:Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

****TAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS E.G.; GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.

WATER
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.

LEMONADE
Personality: Innocent
Approach: Dont worry, her time will come

WINE - (BOTTLED, NOT 4 LITRE CASK)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, MUDSHAKE ETC.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in.

CAPE VELVET
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

SHOTS AND SLAMMERS (TEQUILA, VODKA, AFTERSHOCK ETC.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......

IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

CIDER
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.

CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

IMPORTED BEER
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

GUINNESS
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

WATER
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that
he can still get laid

WINE
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

PORT
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

WHISKY
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

JACK DANIELS
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He’s *** (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.

IModAmd · April 6th, 2007, 12:22 AM

HAHA the last joke about the women are sooo much hilarious !! Hey macdaddy !! Can i compile all your jokes in 1 book ??? With your permission ! I will make an Word or an Pdf book.With your jokes because i have adobe writer ... so yours jokes can be copied ok ?? I can do that? if you want i will email you the pdf with your jokes in an delay of 48 Hours

Well if you want it's will be a great book !

Mac Daddy · April 6th, 2007, 12:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IModAmd

HAHA the last joke about the women are sooo much hilarious !! Hey macdaddy !! Can i compile all your jokes in 1 book ??? With your permission ! I will make an Word or an Pdf book.With your jokes because i have adobe writer ... so yours jokes can be copied ok ?? I can do that? if you want i will email you the pdf with your jokes in an delay of 48 Hours

Well if you want it's will be a great book !

If ya have the time thats cool Bro

My email here is dmack@ngohq.com any member can contact me anytime there

IModAmd · April 6th, 2007, 01:15 AM

Ok bro i start that i write it in an word 2007 document ! :P

IModAmd · April 6th, 2007, 01:36 AM

hey bro ... For the title i can put : The NGOHQ Bible Of jokes? i finish to copy the 5 th page of the forum !

Mac Daddy · April 6th, 2007, 01:39 AM

Whatever ya like Brother sounds good here

Mac Daddy · April 7th, 2007, 12:15 PM

It's closing time, and two drunks are getting ready to leave the bar. "God, I hate getting home at this hour. All I want to do is take my shoes off and crawl into bed, but Hailey always nags me for what seems like hours".
"Sneaking's not the way to do it. Try slamming the front door, stomping upstairs, and yelling 'Hey baby, let's f**k'. When I do that, my wife always pretends she's sound asleep".