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Joke of the day thread
Old 17 April 2012, 04:54   #11
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An English professor wrote the following words on the chalkboard: "A woman without her man is nothing."

He then asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."


All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."


Punctuation is powerful
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Old 17 April 2012, 23:29   #12
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On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat.

I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.' Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'
Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.' He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.

The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'
Manager: 'No. A what?'
Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me...'
Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'
Server: 'Yeah, thought so.'

He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these.

Do you have anything else?'

Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
Server: 'Yeah.'
Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'

Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
Server: 'What should I do?'
Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
Manager: 'Just tell him.'
Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.

The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'

Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'
Me: 'Why not?'
Manager: 'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'What on earth for?'
Manager: 'Please, sir..'
Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
Me: 'No.'
Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.

A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager : 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard: 'Yeah.'

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
Me: 'Uh, no.'
Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
Me: 'Why?'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'

At this point I'm ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says,

Guard: 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'
Manager: 'It's fake.'
Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
Guard: 'Yeah? '
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

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Old 18 April 2012, 05:17   #13
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Nice story, but the moral is - the man, after being heavily insulted, was bought for $1.04, a drink and some cinnamon thingies. That's the American way.
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Old 18 April 2012, 11:55   #14
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Women!


If they're rich, you have to prove you don't want them because of their money.

If they're young and beautiful, you have to prove you don't want them because of their age and beauty.

If you look them as a men, then you just want to screw them.

If you show you don't have to screw them, then surely you have something on the side.

If you work all day long trying to earn, then you're never around.

If you are around, then you're fucking no good as you're always in the way, instead of being useful for a change.

If you hold them as a bit of water in your palm, take care of everything, cook, clean and iron... then you're henpecked, a sorry excuse of a man...

... while they only want a man who can make their panties drop by just looking at them.

If you make their panties drop just by looking at them, you're the one who's not to be trusted.

If you love them, you're boring because who needs a guy who's always there.

If you aren't always there for them, then you're a selfish asshole who only thinks about himself and you don't care about her needs.

If you try to reason with them, they bitch because you don't understand they're just bitching. As they have to bitch. They have hormones.

If you don't try to reason with them, you're underestimating their intellect and their expertise.

If you try to explain the most technical terms to them, they get confused because it's not their job to get technical. Why else would they have to put up with you?

If you decide to not involve her in technical problems, you do not appreciate their emancipation.

If you tell them they're beautiful, then you're a cheap, transparent flatterer with hidden agenda.

If you don't tell them how beautiful they are, then at some random point in time they will recollect your neglect and star to sob... because you haven't told them... how beautiful they are...

If you dress nicely and put on some perfume, you must be cheating.

If you don't dress and smell nicely, then you're an embarrassment.

If other women like you, then you're a goddamn whoremonger who values his tramps and sluts a lot more then his own woman and children.

If other women don't like you, then as poor as she is, she was blind, she could have had the one man who all women would love, making her the envy of them all.

If you save money, you're a cheap bastard.

If you spend, then you're a wanton.

If you try to hold on to them, you're a mere manipulator who ruined their lives... and they could have done miracles... were it not for you... damned bastard...

If you wish to let them go, let them be free as a bird, then you're just a coward and a wimp - instead of being a man ready to fight for them, regardless of how badly they want to leave.

If you're a gentle lover, you're a sissy.

If you're a passionate lover, then you're a rowdy boor who doesn't understand how fragile they really are.

If you're bright and cheerful, you're not serious, you underestimate the gravity of life.

If you aren't bright and cheerful, then you just make here even more depressed, with the situation being as serious as it is; she needs someone bright and cheerful to pick her mood up.

If you try to help around the house, you're always in the way, you can't do anything right anyway so it would be better if you found yourself a hobby.

If you do have a hobby, then every stupid thing is more important to you then giving her a hand while she's doing chores.

If you try to understand them, then you're ripe for asylum.
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Last edited by mkey; 18 April 2012 at 12:02..
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Old 23 April 2012, 23:58   #15
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Housewife of The Year

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Old 24 April 2012, 04:59   #16
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You can open a poll - "How much beer would you need to nail this guy?"
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Old 25 April 2012, 08:49   #17
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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much..it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement.

Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,

'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight,

But how do you know?'

Luigi answers,

'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers,

'Yes, Luigi , I do,

But how do you know that?'

He replies,

'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.. .
How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face
turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,

Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,

Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,

'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luigi gasps,

'Thanka God ...

I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Armani leather shoes...................!'.
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Old 29 April 2012, 18:21   #18
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Grammar and Spelling Errors

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Old 29 April 2012, 19:57   #19
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Nice one lol

I have some pictures here, don't really know if one would deem them decent enough to post (we did have that nude idiot video a few days back), but they're too appalling to skip. Feel free to remove if inappropriate.

Anyway, here goes the 2012 summer collection for men (if it takes off, I'm going armed to the beach)

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Joke of the day thread-new_speedos_01.jpg   Joke of the day thread-new_speedos_02.jpg   Joke of the day thread-new_speedos_03.jpg   Joke of the day thread-new_speedos_04.jpg   Joke of the day thread-new_speedos_05.jpg  
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Old 30 April 2012, 11:37   #20
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Some good stuff, had to look some of those up in the dictionary

How To Satisfy A Woman Every Time

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How To Satisfy A Man Every Time

Show up naked.
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